6 Teens and A Baby/Script
tired Jen waddles towards the bathroom. Jonesy cuts in front of her. Jonesy: "Make way for number one. The brother, and the fluid!" Jen: "How are you not tired from that all-night crying session?" Jonesy: "After Robbie and Diego, I'm a pro at sleeping through baby cries." enters the bathroom. Jen's mom walks up to her. Emma: "Jen, I need a favor." Jen: "Does it involve sleeping?" Emma: "No. Can you watch Emma while your stepdad and I go out for the day?" Jonesy: out "Are you sure she can handle it? I'm available, and experienced, especially if cash is involved." Jen: Jonesy back "I can handle it just fine." Emma: "Great! Good luck!" hands her youngest daughter over to Jen and walks away. Jen: "Aw, we're gonna have a fun day you and me, aren't we." Jr. looks up at Jen and begins to cry. Jen: "Oh no! What did I just agree to?" eye begins twitching. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''6 Teens and a Baby' ---- ''Jr. is still crying. Jen hunts in a bag for the bottle. Finding it, she plops it in Emma's mouth. Jen: "Ah. There you go. Good baby. Warm baby. Soothing...baby..." falls asleep, and the bottle drops from Emma Jr's mouth. The baby begins crying, instantly awakening Jen. Jen: "Ah. Okay. Nikki's into babies." calls Nikki. ---- is standing in front of a backdrop of stars. Darth: "Never fear, fair princess! I will protect you from the evil clones!" Nikki: Princess Leia "Oh, Darth! You're my hero!" Darth: "Shall we dance, mistress?" Nikki: "I thought you'd never ask." phone rings. She wakes up from sleeping on the job. Nikki: by her dream "What the–ugh!" answers her phone. "I was just having the worst dream ever." Jen: "I wish I could sleep long enough to dream. My kid sister is a nonstop crying machine!" phone beeps. "Hang on. Got another call." Coach Halder: "Masterson! Coach Halder here. I need you to come in and cover a shift." Jen: "If you insist! Just hang on." calls someone else. "Jonesy! Coach is pulling me into work, so I need you to watch Emma!" Jonesy: "Oh really? Well, I'd be happy to take the job, for a small fee. Say fifty percent of whatever you make at work today?" Jen: "No. Way. I'll give you five percent." Jonesy: "Forty." Jen: "Seven." Jonesy: "Twenty-five percent, final offer." Jen: "Ugh! Fine. Deal." hangs up. Jonesy: "Sucker." Jen: "Better him than me." back to her boss "Okay, Coach, I'll be right over." hangs up on everyone. Nikki: "Hello? Hello? Huh. Same to you." hangs up on nobody. ---- is flipping burgers when his manager comes up to him. Tim: "Wyatt, I need you to supervise the training of your new coworker." Wyatt: a familiar face "Wayne?" Wayne: smarmy "Good day, Wyatt." Wyatt: "Shouldn't you be insulting customers at a video store somewhere?" Wayne: "Underground Video closed down, so I'' had to find a new career to sustain the lifestyle to which I've grown accustomed." '''Wyatt:' "You have a lifestyle?" Wayne: "Yeah. We're gonna get along just fine." Wyatt: "Why don't you go watch the training video a few hundred times?" Wayne: "Oh, I already did! Man, that thing took my breath away!" Tim: "I like your enthusiasm, Wayne. You remind me of me. Keep it up and someday all this could be yours." Wayne: "Wow. I can only dare to dream. Hoo!" is gone. "I'm going on break." Wyatt: "But you just started!" Wayne: mocking "But you just started! Welcome to the new world order, Sir Mopes-a-lot. Tim loves me. Better get used to it." ---- is handing off the baby to Jonesy. Jen: "Okay, I'll be back by five." Jonesy: "Don't forget my fee!" Emma Jr. "Hey poopypants." the baby starts crying. Jonesy has put on the baby carrier upside down. Jonesy: at it "What the–oh, come on–" Jen: "Are you sure you can handle this?" Jonesy: Emma Jr. out of the carrier "Totally!" Jen: "Well, good luck!" Emma Jr. "You too." kisses the baby's cheek and leaves. Jonesy: "Won't need luck! I mean, how hard can it be?" she leaves "We hang, she pays. Piece of cake!" Emma Jr. down and pulling out a game "Look, Emma. Grand Theft Motorbike. Check out the sweet graphics!" Jr. giggles. "See? I know what babies like." playing "Out of the way, geezer! Boom! Woo! That's gonna leave a mark." Jr. begins crying. "Aw, don't like gaming? No problem." up a toy car "We'll go old school." Jr. stops crying and watches. "Vroom! It's the runaway race car!" loses control of it and the car goes flying. Emma Jr. starts crying again. "Okay, how about dollies?" up a toy robot and a DawgToy Jason doll "Every little girl likes dollies." the robot "Boop beep boop boop beep be boo." Jason "What's that L2? Man-eating alien? Aah! Run!" Jr. begins crying again. "Uh...uh, look, I'm a monkey!" a coffee cup on his head and extending his ears "Eep! Eep eep eep! Eep!" Jr. does not stop crying. "Come on, Emma!" funny faces "Bloodoodoodoodooop! Whee!" crying does not stop. "Oh, man, what do you want? There's gotta be something you like!" an idea "I got it! C'mon! We're going on a little field trip." picks Emma Jr. up and carries her away. ---- is folding clothes. She looks over to the entrance of the store and sees Darth there. Nikki: "Ugh! Why would anyone dream about that?" Chrissy: "Okay, Khaki Staffers! Meeting!" Kristen and Kirsten: "EEEE!" Nikki: "Yippee." joins the meeting. Chrissy: "We're missing three pairs of Poplin pants and four peach polos. All in Husky. I think we've got ourselves a shoplifter, size large." and Kirsten gasp. "I need someone to go to the stockroom and watch all the security tapes for the last week. Nikki?" Nikki: "Me? What about them? They love watching mindless drivel." looks back towards the entrance. Darth is still there. He notices her gaze and points at himself questioningly. Nikki: "Guuh!" the tapes "Okay! I'll do it!" Chrissy: "Great." Nikki: "Ugh, kill me now." ---- is explaining the cash register to Wayne. Wyatt: "So these buttons are individual items, and these are the combos. One veggie burger combo coming up." Wayne: "A veggie burger?" the customer "Puh-lease! What's the matter? Don't want to hurt any cows? Moo-hoo!" Stuart Goldstein: "I–I–" Wayne: "Do you know how many vegetables are killed to make one veggie burger?" Stuart Goldstein: "Uh, I do–" Wayne: "Seventy-three!" Stuart Goldstein: "Okay–" Wayne: "And don't even get me started on how they make veggie hot dogs! You make me sick!" Stuart Goldstein: "Aah!" Wayne: "Get out of here before I call the cops!" runs out of the store. Wyatt: "Come back!" is gone. "You really can't do that here. Tim, back me up! Wayne can't refuse to sell veggie burgers just 'cause he thinks they're lame." Tim: "Well, they don't bring in customers, and the ones who do eat 'em smell like tofu. We should pull the veggie burger off the menu. Good call, Wayne." Wayne: "You know it, boss man!" Wyatt: his eyes "Why me?" ---- walks through the mall with a baby on his chest. Jonesy: "Ah, the mall. This is where your big bro goes to make his coin and hang with his peeps." Jr. starts crying again. "Aw, come on!" Jude: up "Hey bro. That is one sad little dudette. What's the matter with her?" Jonesy: "I have no idea! How about a nice soother?" pops a pacifier into the baby's mouth. Emma Jr. quiets for a second and then spits it out to resume her crying jag. Jude: "For a mini-person, she's got some pretty huge lungs, man." Jonesy: "Must be from Jen's side of the family." the baby "Come on, Emma, buck up!" Jude: "I think she misses her mommy, dude. You got any other moms on ya?" Jonesy: "Just Jen, but no way is she gonna find out I can't handle this! I know. Nikki! She'll bail me out!" runs towards the Khaki Barn. ---- is watching the mind-numbingly boring security videos. She sighs and falls asleep, drifting into a dream. Darth: "Fair princess, you are as radiant as the three suns of Blik-blak." Nikki: "Oh Darth, I think I might be falling for you." Darth: "Your words are sweet ambrosia to my Jedi ears! Kiss me, my sweet!" and Nikki kiss. Nikki jolts awake, shocked. Nikki: "Blech!" spitting "Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" rushes in. Jonesy: "Nikki, I need your help!" Nikki: entranced "Oh, is that widdle Emma? Hey there, pookums!" the baby "Woochie woochie woo!" Jonesy: "Yeah, Jen was babysitting, but she had to go into work, so I took over. Figured you might want to see her." Nikki: "Oh, I could stare at this face all day!" with a happy Emma Jr. "Yeah! Yeah! You're a little hooshie-wooshie-doodle-doodle-abba-dom-a-doo-doo! Huh? Isn't she, Jonesy?" up "Jonesy?" has left. Instead, Kristen and Kirsten are staring at her through the open doorway. Nikki: "One word, and you'll be eating diaper!" Jr. starts crying again. ---- is still training Wayne. Wyatt: "...and these are the jingles you sing when you're flipping patties." holds up the Burger Bible. Wayne: one "Flippin' patties and feelin' fine/Burger McFlipster's is the place to dine? Ouch. Which brain-dead moron wrote these?" Wyatt: "That would be me." Wayne: laughing "Way to sell out to the man, rock star! I, for one, will never sing these atrocities!" Wyatt: "Hey, the customers love 'em!" Wayne: "Brother, you can do it your way, I'll do it mine! And mine doesn't include singing, capisce?" ---- tired Nikki is trying to carry Emma in the ill-fitting baby carrier. Nikki: "Oh, come on. Ergonomic, my butt!" comes up to the Big Squeeze. "Caitlin! Have you seen Jonesy?" Caitlin: "No, but I see Emma!" Nikki: "Yeah, Jonesy dumped the cutie-patootie-babootie-pie on me." sweetly "Who's gonna kill Jonesy, huh? Me, that's who." Caitlin: "Is that why you look so frazzled? Maybe you need more beauty sleep." Nikki: "Yeah, anything but. I keep having these–" herself "No. I can't say. You'll just blab to everyone." Caitlin: "No I won't! I swear!" Nikki: sighing "Ugh, fine." looks around, and then leans in to whisper to Caitlin. "I've been having hot dreams about...Darth." leaps back and gasps. Caitlin: "Ew! Darth?" Nikki: behind the lemon "Ssh! Keep it down!" Caitlin: "Oops. Sorry. So, are you into Darth?" Nikki: "Of course not!" Caitlin: "Good, 'cause you can do so much better than that." gestures to Darth. Darth notices and looks over. Nikki quickly ducks out of sight. Darth: "Nikki again? What is she plotting? Time for evasive action!" Caitlin: "Wow, he's really gotten to you!" Nikki: "Oh, I gotta talk to Jen. Here, can you take care of Emma for a little while?" hands off the baby. Caitlin: "Oh, I don't know. I-I've never actually babysat before." Jock: by "Cute baby. Cutie." Caitlin: "On second thought, take your time." Nikki: leaving "Thanks. And remember, not a word!" soon as Nikki leaves, Emma Jr. starts crying. Caitlin plucks her from the carrier. Caitlin: "Aw, aw it's okay, Emma. If there's one thing I learned taking care of baby dolls, it's when you tip them back, their eyes shut, and they go to sleep." tips Emma Jr. back. Emma Jr.'s eyes don't shut, and she doesn't go to sleep. Caitlin: "How come your eyes aren't closing?" tips Emma Jr. back and forth. "I think you're in need of repair." Jr.'s stomach gurgles. "Why are you making those sounds?" holds Emma up to her face. Emma's cheeks fill with spit-up. "Oh no!" ---- is checking a customer out when Nikki runs in and hides behind the counter. Nikki: "Ah, phew." Jen: "What are you doing?" Nikki: "Dodging Darth. I could have hid in the stockroom all day if Jonesy hadn't left me with Emma." Jen: "What?!? Where's Emma now?" Nikki: "Oh, it's okay. I left her with Caitlin." Jen: "You really think that's a good idea?" Nikki: "Ah, she'll be fine." ---- is working when Caitlin runs in, covered in puke. Both she and the baby are crying, and most patrons leave. Jock: "Ew." Wyatt: at them unhappily "Help me." ---- while later, Caitlin and Emma Jr. are still crying. Wayne comes by, chuckling. Wayne: "This calls for another break. Later." Wyatt: Caitlin "What are you doing with Emma?" Caitlin: up "Jonesy had her, and Nikki had a-a hot dream about Darth, an-and now I'm covered in–barf!" Wyatt: "Nikki had a hot dream about Darth?" Caitlin: what she said "Oh no! She's gonna kill me!" Wyatt: "Well, you are under a bit of stress at the moment." Emma Jr. "What's the matter, little one?" Jr. cries in Wyatt's face. Wyatt picks up his guitar and begins to play. Slowly, the baby's cries soften and stop, and she starts smiling. Caitlin: "Oh, Wyatt, you're a genius. Can you watch her for a bit? I need to clean up before the smell sinks in." retches. "Back soon!" leaves. Wyatt finishes his song. Wyatt: "There. All better." few seconds after Wyatt stops playing, Emma Jr. bursts into tears again. Wyatt: "Okay, okay." begins playing again. Emma Jr. quiets, and Wyatt heaves a sigh. "I can't play forever, Emma." comes back with Tim. Wayne: "Crying babies and acoustic guitars. Doesn't seem right to me, Tim." Tim: "Exactly. Think of the customers." restaurant is deserted. Wyatt: "Yyyyeeeaaahhh...I'll go drop her off." carries the baby off, playing and singing for her. "We're off to find your brother, 'cause I can't keep playing mother..." ---- and Nikki walk through the mall. Jen: "I can't wait to take Emma back to Jonesy and read him the riot act!" Nikki: "I just want to stay awake! Every time I fall asleep, I have this hot dream about this not-so-hot guy." Jen: "Ew. Well if it makes you feel any better, I once had this hot dream about...Wayne." Nikki: "What? Does everyone dream about making out with repulsive people?" comes by, still strumming his guitar. Jen: "Wyatt! Why do you have Emma?" Wyatt: "After Nikki gave her to Caitlin, things didn't go so well. You'd be surprised how much puke can come out of one little baby." Jen: "Ew." Nikki: "Sick." Wyatt: "Caitlin's getting cleaned up, so I figured I'd take Emma to Jonesy." Jen: "I should probably take her, Wyatt." Wyatt: "No, please, let me. Anything to get away from my new coworker Wayne." Nikki and Jen: "Wayne? The Wayne?" Wyatt: "Yep. The guy's taking jerk to a whole new level. He even dissed my jingles! Is nothing sacred?" Nikki: "Wow. I thought I had it bad." Wyatt: "Oh yeah. The Darth dreams. You're not–into him, are you?" Jen: shocked "Darth?!? The Darth?!?" Nikki: shocked "How do you kn–Caitlin! Rrr!" ---- wanders onto the ice rink. Jude is polishing it up alongside Jonesy, who is taking a ride on the Zamboni. Wyatt: "Oh Jonesy! I think this is yours." Jonesy: "Wait a sec, why do you have Emma?" Wyatt: "Nikki gave her to Caitlin, but the puke started flying, so here I am." hands the baby over. Jonesy: "Well, at least she's not crying anymore." on cue, Emma Jr. begins wailing again. Jonesy passes the baby to Jude and fishes in his pocket. Jonesy: desperate "Here! Maybe I can distract her with my house keys! Babies love jingly-jangly keys!" Jude: Emma Jr. on the Zamboni "Have a seat, tiny dudette." Jr. stops crying and smiles. Jonesy: "Whoa. Emma loves the Zamboni! Jude, what if I hire you as a substitute babysitter subcontractor for a cut of some of my babysitting fee?" Jude: "Sounds good to me, bro. How's it sound to you, junior Emma?" Jr. smiles and nods slightly. Jude: "Yeah, she's in." cell phone beeps. Wyatt: "It's from Caitlin." reading "Thanks for taking Emma, don't tell anyone about Nikki's Darth dreams." starting "Oh man." Jonesy: "Nikki had a dream about Darth?" Jude: "He said dreams. Plural, dude." Wyatt: "Really not helping..." and Jonesy laugh. Jonesy: "No wonder she was acting so weird!" Jude: "Yeah, like, what if she's like, all into him and stuff?" laughs for a few more seconds but suddenly stops. Jonesy: "Not cool, man. Not cool." ---- has cleaned herself up and is ready to go back to work again when Nikki runs up angrily. Nikki: "You told." Caitlin: "Nikki, I'm so sorry, but Emma was crying–oh, the barf–ooh, oh–" Nikki: a microphone edges closer to her from behind "Well, if anyone else finds out I had a dream about kissing Darth, I swear I–" Darth: in "I knew it! Nikki has the hots for me, hoo-hoo!" Caitlin: "Okay, that one was your fault." Nikki: "It was just a nightmare, Darth. Don't get any big ideas!" Darth: "The Sooze4Tron never lies." everyone "Nikki has the hots for me. Nikki has the hots for me." Nikki: Darth "Shut up, or I'll wring your neck!" Darth: "She can't keep her hands off me!" Nikki: "Ugh!" ---- is listening to Emma Jr. Jude: "Really? Wow." Jonesy "Dude, your sis tells some awesome stories." Jonesy: "Oh yeah? Does she know why Nikki dreamt about Darth?" gurgles. Jude: "She thinks they were nightmares. She also says she's cool with the name Emma, but her real name is Clementine." Jonesy: "Whoa, for real? Jude, you're like some sort of baby whisperer!" Jude: "Huh?" Jonesy: "You can understand and talk to babies!" Jude: "No way." and Emma Jr. laugh. "Cool." Pregnant Lady: "You can understand babies? Can you interpret my baby's cooing?" no-longer-pregnant woman holds up the baby. It makes a noise for Jude. Jude: "Ma'am, your baby says her real name is Wishbone." lady walks off frowning. Jonesy: "Dude, this is your golden ticket! Tell people what their babies are thinking for five bucks a pop! We'll be rich!" ---- Wayne: on a Greeter Goddess "Anyone ever tell you you look like a movie star? I should know, I've seen every movie there is." comes back to work. Tim walks up to him. Wyatt: with an idea "Wayne. Less chatting, more singing." Wayne: "Oh, Wyatt, when will you ever learn? Hey Tim, what do you say we lose the jingles?" does a spittake. Wyatt: "Yeah. See, Tim may like you, but he loves jingles. In fact, I bet he'd love to hear one right now! C'mon, everyone! Give it up for Wayne!" patrons cheer. Wayne: "But I–haven't–really–" holds out the songbook. "–um–aheh...touche." takes the Burger Bible and begins singing, wildly off-key. "Burgers are my favorite treat/Nothing beats the smell of meat–" the customers leave. "–gobble 'em up or pound 'em down–" crushes his drink in anger. "–my hot patties are the best in tow-ow-own!" Wyatt: amazed "Wow." Tim: "I thought you were special, Wayne. Clearly I was wrong. Whatever that was, never do it a-gain. Ever." leaves. Wyatt walks up to Wayne. Wyatt: "Wyatt one, Wayne zero." hangs his head. ---- long line of women with babies are gathered on the ice. Emma Jr. is sitting in the Zamboni. Jude: "You better stay here so we don't get you mixed up with all the other little baby dudes, 'kay Clementine?" takes a baby. Emma Jr. accidentally releases the emergency brake, and the Zamboni starts rolling. "Uh-huh? Gotcha. Ma'am, your baby thinks you eat too much garlic." Zamboni rolls out of the ice rink. It passes by Ron. Ron: "What's this?" sees Emma Jr. on it. "Underaged Zamboni driving in my mall?" runs after the Zamboni, catches up, and pulls the brake. "You have been confiscated, my little maggot!" his walkie-talkie "I want to report a Zamboni infraction to the rink manager!" gurgles. "Aww..." ---- stomps into Things That Beep. Darth: two kids "Of course I'm flattered Nikki's hot for me! Years ago, I might have even given her the time of day! But I'm with the hottest girl in the mall right now, so it's just sad." coffee cup hits him. "Ow! Stop that!" Nikki: "Sure. Right after you stop lying about me, Obi-Wanna-Blankee." Darth: "You're the one who dreamt about me!" Nikki: "Huh, yeah. What's more humiliating, having a nightmare, or getting beaten up by a girl?" Darth: desperate "You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses!" throws another coffee cup at Darth that knocks his glasses off. Off-balance, Darth windmills his arms as he stumbles backwards across the store, eventually crashing into a display of speakers. Nikki: her hands "Ah. That's better." ---- is counting up the money he and Jude made when Jen walks in. Jen: "What's going on here?" Jonesy: "Oh, Jen. Our little Jude has a gift." Jen: "Well I gotta get our little Emma home. Who'd you dump her on this time?" and Jonesy look around and don't see the baby anywhere. Jude: "Dude? I think we dropped the ball." Jen: "What?!?" ---- Nikki, and Caitlin are at the Big Squeeze when their other three friends rush up. Jen: "Guys, you gotta help us find Emma!" ---- thereafter, the six are rushing through the mall. Caitlin: "What happened?" Jen: "Jonesy happened! You're fired, substitute babysitter!" Jonesy: "You're fired, subcontractor!" phone rings. Jude: answering "Yello? Yeah? Oh? Okay." hangs up. "Aw, man! I just got fired from the rink! Ron found some baby driving the Zamboni around the mall!" Jen, Jonesy, Wyatt, Caitlin, and Nikki: "Emma!" ---- six rush to the security office. When they look in the door, though, they get a big surprise. Jonesy: "What the–" office has had some toys dragged into it, and Ron is rocking Emma Jr. to sleep. Ron: "...and if that mockingbird don't sing, Ronnie's gonna make some buffalo wings." Jr. is fast asleep. "Da dah dah da do doo..." Jonesy: "Wow. Ron's got the magic touch." Ron: "Ssh! Keep it down, maggot! She just ate." Jen "You don't want to feed her for another two hours." Jen: "Um, thanks Ron." the baby "Gotta run, guys, my parents will be home any minute." Jr. coos. Jude: "What's that, Clementine?" Jr. coos. "She says your mom was a bit nervous about Jen's lack of experience." Jonesy: "Ha! I'm the man!" Jr. coos again. Jude: "But, at least you're more responsible than Jonesy." Jen: "Ha! Looks like I'm the man!" walks out the door with the baby. Jonesy: Nikki "So...dreaming about Darth?" Nikki: sighing "No, I'm not into him." Jonesy: "Oh, I totally knew it. Kinda." Nikki: "Don't worry. The only space case I'm interested in is you." Jonesy: "You always know just what to say." and Nikki hold hands. ---- and Jonesy are in the stockroom of the Khaki Barn. Jonesy is asleep, and Nikki is on the phone. Nikki: "So did you beat your parents home?" Jen: "Yep. Emma's back in her crib, and they're none the wiser. Whoof!" Nikki: "Well that's it. I've watched every security tape, and there's no sign of shoplifting." Jen: "Maybe Chrissy counted the inventory wrong." Nikki: "Yeah. I don't think she can go much past ten anyway." Jen: chuckling "Well, good luck. I'm taking a nap." Nikki: up "Oh, Chrissy..." exits the stockroom. We see Jonesy's dream. Jonesy: a lightsaber against a backdrop of stars "Never fear, sweet princess! I will protect you to the end of my days!" Darth: a bikini-clad Princess Leia "Oh, Jonesy. You light my saber." Jonesy: up "Whoa, what the–whoa!" falls off of the couch. "Ow!" Nikki: in on him "Bad dream?" Jonesy: shaking "I don't wanna talk about it." Category:Season 4